I don’t stop eating when I’m full. The meal isn’t over when I’m full. It’s over when I hate myself.
An optimist is somebody who goes, “Hey, maybe something nice will happen.” Why the fuck would anything nice happen?
I finally have the body I want. It’s easy, actually, you just have to want a really shitty body.
People say, “My phone sucks.” No, it doesn’t! The shittiest cellphone in the world is a miracle. Your life sucks. Around the phone.
Talking is always positive. That’s why I talk too much.
I don’t think women are better than men, I think men are a lot worse than women.
When I was younger, I lied all the time, because once you understand the power of lying, it’s really like magic because you transform reality for people.
Kids are like buckets of disease that live in your house.
I used to like people more, but now I have children and that changes your life in a lot of ways. Like you spend time with people you never would have chosen to spend time with, not in a million years.
I’ve started to kind of hate people, and it’s not because I have anything against them. It’s just, I enjoy it. It’s recreation.
I love to shit. It’s my favorite thing. I don’t know why they call it Number Two. I think it’s easily the best one. In my book, it’s Number One.
I read something in the paper that really confused me the other day. It said that 80 percent of the people in New York are minorities…Shouldn’t you not call them minorities when they get to be 80 percent of the population? That’s a very white attitude, don’t you think? I mean, you could take a white guy to Africa and he’d be like, “Look at all the minorities around here! I’m the only majority.”
There are two types of people in the world: People who say they pee in the shower and dirty fucking liars.
Drugs are so fucking good that they will ruin your life.
It seems like the better it gets, the more miserable people become. There’s never a technological advancement where people think, “Wow, we can finally do this!” And I think a lot of it has to do with advertising. Americans have it constantly drilled into our heads, every fucking day, that we deserve everything to be perfect all the time.
A man will cut your arm off and throw it in a river, but he’ll leave you as a human being intact. He won’t fuck with who you are. Women are non-violent, but they will shit inside of your heart.
I have a lot of beliefs and I live by none of ‘em. That’s just the way I am. They’re just my beliefs. I just like believing them. I like that part.
If you’re older, you’re smarter. I just believe that. If you’re in an argument with someone older than you, you should listen to ‘em. Even if they’re wrong, their wrongness is rooted in more information than you have.
God is like a shitty girlfriend.
I wish I could know everything ever, like that would be my wish – that’s what I hope heaven is, that they tell you who shot JFK and all that stuff.
Life’s too short to be an asshole, as an employer or as an employee.
“I’m bored” is a useless thing to say. I mean, you live in a great, big, vast world that you’ve seen none percent of. Even the inside of your own mind is endless, it goes on forever, inwardly, do you understand? The fact that you’re alive is amazing, so you don’t get to say “I’m bored.”
If you do something and people think you’re stupid, just go for crazy. You get more respect that way because nobody likes stupid people.
It’s in the Ten Commandments to not take the Lord’s name in vain. Rape is not up there, by the way. Rape is not a Ten Commandment. But don’t say the dude’s name with a shitty attitude.
Friends should always tell you the truth. But please don’t.
Out of the people that ever were, almost all of them are dead. There are way more dead people, and you’re all gonna die and then you’re gonna be dead for way longer than you’re alive. Like that’s mostly what you’re ever gonna be. You’re just dead people that didn’t die yet.
Divorce is always good news. I know that sounds weird, but it’s true because no good marriage has ever ended in divorce … That would be sad. If two people were married and they were really and they just had a great thing and then they got divorced, that would be really sad. But that has happened zero times.
I think you have to try and fail, because failure gets you closer to what you’re good at.
I do feel a lot of times like I’m out of my league with my kids in terms of what my responsibility is.