As the poet said, ‘Only God can make a tree,’ probably because it’s so hard to figure out how to get the bark on.
Basically my wife was immature. I’d be at home in the bath and she’d come in and sink my boats.
Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night.
Comedy just pokes at problems, rarely confronts them squarely. Drama is like a plate of meat and potatoes, comedy is rather the dessert, a bit like meringue.
Dying is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down.
Eighty percent of success is showing up.
Eternal nothingness is fine if you happen to be dressed for it.
Harvard makes mistakes too, you know. Kissinger taught there.
He was so depressed, he tried to commit suicide by inhaling next to an Armenian.
His lack of education is more than compensated for by his keenly developed moral bankruptcy.
I am not afraid of death, I just don’t want to be there when it happens.
I am thankful for laughter, except when milk comes out of my nose.
I am two with nature.
I believe there is something out there watching us. Unfortunately, it’s the government.
I don’t believe in the after life, although I am bringing a change of underwear.
I don’t have to ‘freedom-kiss’ my wife when what I really want to do is French-kiss her.
I don’t think my parents liked me. They put a live teddy bear in my crib.
I don’t want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it through not dying.
I failed to make the chess team because of my height.
I had a terrible education. I attended a school for emotionally disturbed teachers.
I have bad reflexes. I was once run over by a car being pushed by two guys.
I ran into Isosceles. He had a great idea for a new triangle!
I tended to place my wife under a pedestal.
I think being funny is not anyone’s first choice.
I took a speed-reading course and read War and Peace in twenty minutes. It involves Russia.
I want to tell you a terrific story about oral contraception. I asked this girl to sleep with me and she said ‘No.’
I was nauseous and tingly all over. I was either in love or I had smallpox.
I will not eat oysters. I want my food dead. Not sick. Not wounded. Dead.
I’d call him a sadistic, hippophilic necrophile, but that would be beating a dead horse.
I’m astounded by people who want to ‘know’ the universe when it’s hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.
I’m not afraid to die, I just don’t want to be there when it happens.
I’m such a good lover because I practice a lot on my own.
I’m very proud of my gold pocket watch. My grandfather, on his deathbed, sold me this watch.
I’ve never been an intellectual but I have this look.
If my films don’t show a profit, I know I’m doing something right.
If my films make one more person miserable, I’ll feel I have done my job.
If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss bank.
If you want to make God laugh, tell him about your plans.
If you’re not failing every now and again, it’s a sign you’re not doing anything very innovative.
In Beverly Hills… they don’t throw their garbage away. They make it into television shows.
In California, they don’t throw their garbage away – they make it into TV shows.
In my house I’m the boss, my wife is just the decision maker.
It is impossible to experience one’s death objectively and still carry a tune.
It seemed the world was divided into good and bad people. The good ones slept better while the bad ones seemed to enjoy the waking hours much more.
It’s not that I’m afraid to die. I just don’t want to be there when it happens.
Life doesn’t imitate art, it imitates bad television.
Life is divided into the horrible and the miserable.
Life is full of misery, loneliness, and suffering – and it’s all over much too soon.
Man consists of two parts, his mind and his body, only the body has more fun.
Marriage is the death of hope.
Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.
Most of the time I don’t have much fun. The rest of the time I don’t have any fun at all.
My luck is getting worse and worse. Last night, for instance, I was mugged by a quaker.
My one regret in life is that I am not someone else.
Not only is there no God, but try finding a plumber on Sunday.
On the plus side, death is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down .
Organized crime in America takes in over forty billion dollars a year and spends very little on office supplies.
Right now it’s only a notion, but I think I can get the money to make it into a concept, and later turn it into an idea.
Seventy percent of success in life is showing up.
Sex without love is a meaningless experience, but as far as meaningless experiences go its pretty damn good.
Some guy hit my fender, and I told him, ‘Be fruitful and multiply,’ but not in those words.
Students achieving Oneness will move on to Twoness.
The food here is terrible, and the portions are too small.
The lion and the calf shall lie down together but the calf won’t get much sleep.
The talent for being happy is appreciating and liking what you have, instead of what you don’t have.
There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman?
Time is nature’s way of keeping everything from happening at once.
To you I’m an atheist; to God, I’m the Loyal Opposition.
Tradition is the illusion of permanance.
What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case, I definitely overpaid for my carpet.
What if nothing exists and we’re all in somebody’s dream?
When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.
When we played softball, I’d steal second base, feel guilty and go back.
Who bothers to cook TV dinners? I suck them frozen.
Why are our days numbered and not, say, lettered?
Why does man kill? He kills for food. And not only food: frequently there must be a beverage.
You can live to be a hundred if you give up all the things that make you want to live to be a hundred.